notes from march: ropes of shit, pedialyte, and personal landmarks
I'm unstoppable, I'm a Porsche with no brakes, I'm invincible, i win ever single game.
March is the dumbest month of the year. Whenever it rolls around I prepare myself for my stupidest solo act yet. Hardly spring, not quite winter, with lots of canceling plans, lots of YouTube, and lots of Googling the 10-day forecast. But probably broke a new personal record this time around, I don't think I've ever used the word "lonely" as a self-descriptor so many times. Anyway, anticipating April.
Here are my notes from March:
Powdered cheeses *specifically* the type that comes in boxed macaroni is starting to taste soapy to me. I had it 3 times this month. Originally, I thought it was because I’m crap at washing dishes and I was eating Dawn residue, but it doesn’t seem to be that. The soapy taste is so overbearing that it stays in my mouth hours after eating and stays in my mouth after I brush my teeth. I tried Googling and only came up with scary answers about cancer.
My new favorite subreddit is r/celebrityscatfantasy (x). It’s become a new cope for when I get sad. I spent a lot of time alone this month and reading a bunch of freaks hypothesize about how thick the ropes of shit that come out of Dua Lipa’s ass must be makes me feel a whole lot better about how I spend my time.
I saw the new Shelia Heti book Alphabetical Diaries at Barnes and Noble and was reminded of the brief window of time that we were Twitter friends in 2020-2021. I sent her some zines in the mail once and I’m still kinda embarrassed by this because they are far from my best work. She deleted her Twitter in the spring of 2021 and I have no record of us ever corresponding, except an email from my autofiction teacher from that previous semester at college begging me for her contact info.
I love it when Sia refers to herself as a “Porsche with no breaks” in her song Unstoppable (x). I’ve been referring to myself as “The Eagle” lately as a form of positive self-talk. Most of the time you have to sacrifice your dignity and full-send being corny to achieve confidence.
Old men want me to do drugs so badly. It seems whenever I’m talking to a man 30 years my senior they want to know the exact date of the last time I snorted cocaine or they want to know all the wild details of my last bender. They look at me with these round eyes hoping I’ll tell them that I took a pill last weekend and let my best friend eat me out, and act so upset when I tell them I don’t do drugs (not even weed? Yes, not even weed anymore). I admire them for trying to get a thrill, I know it’s harder to find those as you age.
I’ve reached a low point in my sucking-dick career (it can always get better) because I’ve decided to start haunting myself with a new intrusive thought. I keep on returning to a moment from 2022, when my current boyfriend wasn’t my boyfriend and I would fly from LA to come see him periodically in New York. On one of my visits he was going through a Pedialyte popsicle phase, one night we ate them in bed while watching a movie. Watching a movie turned into sucking dick, and sucking dick turned into me throwing up watery purpley pedialytey chunks all over him.
I would make so much money if I exploited my relationship for views but I’m not gonna do that because 1.) it’s not my vibe, and 2.) I will not be able to handle comments about why my boyfriend's voice sounds so gay (because I already have to answer that question enough irl).
I had to stop using my birth control because it was making me suicidal, which sucks because my doctor recommended I start taking it to keep me from the hormonal pattern that my period gives me that always ends in me wanting to end my life. Now I’m on nothing and feel mostly okay, I’m just probably always going to have suicidal white girl moments which is embarrassing but whatever.
I’ve gained weight in my thighs in a new spot, it juts out and looks weird when I wear pants or long dresses. It’s probably not noticeable to anyone but me but whatever. Apparently, it’s called a “hip dip” and people online say you can only get rid of it with surgery.
I’m learning that a hair will end up stuck inside my clitoral hood at the worst time possible.
My neck is growing increasingly stiff. I know this is because of my 70-dollar Amazon mattress and the way that I sleep at night, but right now I don’t have the willpower or the means to intervene with any of that. The only chiropractor I would feel comfortable seeing is one of the YouTube types that vlogs everything and puts the best material in compilation videos. According to everyone, I know that’s kind of smart, chiropractors are shady, so I would feel a lot better appearing in a video called 100 CRAZY ASMR CRACK { PART 6 } than going in unsurveilled. I know that’s extremely intimate and maybe bad for my clout, but I would like to have evidence in case my shit gets fucked up. (x)
Morning doves started landing on my air conditioning unit just like they did at my old place.
I finished South Park finally. I’ve seen basically every episode except the extremely political ones. I’ve skipped every Trump-centric episode of the series because I refuse to relive recent history when I’m just trying to come on down to South Park and have myself a time. My favorite episode is probably Season 14; Episode 2, “The Tale of Scrotie Mcboogerballs”. It’s a perfect episode, Butters is a scapegoat turned respected writer, and Cartman is upset about it. Amazing. My roommate Blizzy was also watching all of South Park at the same time which was incredible, at the end of January and at the top of this month we were exchanging texts daily about what we had and hadn’t seen yet- it’s a really gorgeous thing to hyper-fixate with someone you share a wall with.
The cowlick in my bang has moved over to the right.
Because of the new Ariana Grande album cycle, I have been reminded of the time when Thank You, Next dropped and for about an hour because of a misheard lyric, the internet thought that Ariana said that she was a lesbian and was in love with a woman named Aubrey. (x)
Jimmy from Love is Blind season 6 looks a lot like internet meme John Pork, which isn’t me being mean, John Pork is not ugly- that’s just literally twin. (x) (x)
On the 16th I thought it was warm enough to go for a walk and listen to Rosalia’s Delirio De Grandza. (x)
Visited my hometown Montclair, New Jersey twice this month and saw a few personal landmarks
Discovered a new type of deep sleep that can only be achieved by eating a sandwich at 12.
Started using ASMR videos of people whispering “toasted coconut” over and over again to go to sleep after a two-year hiatus. (x) (x)
My friend Ivy slept on my couch on the 20th because she found a tick in her bed. This is the first sleepover I’ve had at my new place. We went to the bodega when she arrived and she immediately got recognized from Twitter by a gay man with the thickest European accent either of us had ever heard.
I walked into the most packed literary party of all time with my friend Rayne and the first girl we saw looked at both of us and whispered to her friend very loudly, “YEAH, it’s a bangs convention in here”.
I wish I could tell YouTube user George ジョージ (x) that his recipes have single handledly rescued me from financially-provoked anorexic hell, but he is a Japanese chef who doesn’t speak English and the concept of “financially-provoked anorexic hell” would probably be lost on him because it’s the saddest, most American thing that could ever happen to a woman in her 20s- but his broccoli recipe is incredible (x)
Sat next to a woman on the M who was reading an e-book about parenting on her phone. From what I could catch it was a book specifically about boys and their relationships with their moms. I wanted to pry so badly so I could know what was going on with this woman and her son, but I was only able to read in glances. “Quality time is important, try a hobby together like reading a book or video games. I find that he just enjoys it when I sit there and watch him play”
After a bad night out I’ve been having to tell myself this every morning to remain sane:
I love gossip I just hate when it happens to me.
The other day, I was yelled at by a man while entering the grocery store. I wasn’t even planning on going grocery shopping that day but I was thirsty (and thirst leads). He said I picked the absolute worst day to wear the coat I was wearing and continued to tell me that my outfit was so fucking ugly that I looked like I was about to visit the woods or worse Massachusetts. I told him that I loved my coat and he told me that he didn’t care.
xoxo
- Mackenzie
toasted coconut
Tweek x Craig basically reinvented animation.