notes from november: my pregnancy test results REVEALED
November. The penultimate month. It’s like November knew I need one more unforgiving kick in the ass before I was allowed to exit 2024. In the last week of October, while waking up, I turned over to my boyfriend and said that I needed to change my ways. He just thought I was being funny, but I wasn’t, I was actually being so deeply serious that my conscious mind wasn’t even sure what I meant. Fortunately, the end of November brought a lot of ideas about my body to the forefront that I can no longer ignore. I feel odd being so vulnerable about something that is so deeply personal that even I don’t fully understand why I do it.
Other than the hard stuff, November was pretty good. I spent Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania with my best friend’s family. It was good to have a break from New York, though the trip didn’t magically fix me like I’d hoped I left with a tank pretty full.
If you’re interested in knowing more about my deeply personal and not as funny struggle scroll to the end.
Here are my notes on November :
I spent the majority of this month nursing a sudden bout of carpel tunnel I received after trying to open an ironically named ‘Deep Love: Rose Infused Lemonade’ (x) from the store down the street. When one part of my body isn’t working I feel like the whole thing is absolutely useless. Whenever I lose my voice I feel as if anything that occurs during my voice-less period shouldn’t be taken as serious or as important because I’m functioning as a piece, not a whole. With carpal tunnel, the same ideology follows but with a little hint of pizzazz because I had to wear a brace that prompted strangers to speak to me which I always enjoy. I struggled to type, I struggled to sleep my usual way, and on one occasion; I struggled to eat a very spicy kebab I bought outside the 24-hour Apple store on 5th Avenue after picking up my computer from repair. I guess it’s my fault, I’ve said before that I’m beginning to question when my body is gonna start falling in on itself— the time is now.
My mother always said during this time of year, “Oh, don’t you just want to run away to an island and hear Christmas Songs on a steel drum”.
nutritional yeast tastes exactly how warm testicles smell.
Finally, I’ve become brave enough to speak about the irregular shape of my head. I’ve known about this for a while, but this month it’s become more of a conscious thought- sometimes putting a voice to the things about yourself you’ve always known takes years. My head is less of a sphere and more of a cupcake without-the-frosting type shape. I’m still concluding, but I’m pretty sure the muffin-like shape my head takes might be contributing to my ongoing greasey hair problem, I imagine the flattish areas at the top allow the grease to pool more easily.
I find it interesting that we’ve reached peak life hack culture and nobody has discovered a fool-proof way to get a fly outside of your house. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, I turn off all the lights to deprive the fly of a light source and open the front door; that works, but it’s slow and flies have varying levels of intelligence. There has to be an easier way.
I don’t believe toxic shock syndrome is real. I should’ve gotten it by now. Someone I know should’ve gotten it by now. I remember watching a video in health class, and looking back the girl in it gave me crisis actor vibes. I’m sorry if this is horribly offensive but I've truly never heard of it happening in real life.
You can’t pray for nuance on the internet.
My body odor smells like freezer-burnt ice and Crayola crayons.
Was invited to my first baby shower and wanted to order the perfect present—something heartfelt and sentimental. But unfortunately, the gift was eaten by the eBay seller’s dog before it could be shipped out. Thankfully, I had done the responsible thing and ordered early, giving myself time to improvise. Unfortunately, my second attempt was stolen from my doorstep in broad daylight. I arrived at the shower empty-handed, with only a story to share that didn’t sound entirely true.
Sat at a new bar with a new friend. I’ve always been fascinated by the slicked-back bun types but have always been too scared to get too close—probably because of something stupid that happened in high school or middle school that I can’t quite recall. My new friend is the slicked-back bun type, but there’s something about her that puts me at ease. During a lull while we waited for our drinks, she asked, “What’s the first thing you got drunk off of?” and I told her a story about my friend Jonah, a stolen bottle of Kahlúa, and a table I danced on. The air from the last syllable of my story hadn’t even left my mouth before she said, in perfect lock-step, “MINE WAS SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA!!!” Both of our heads hit the table, laughing. I really cherish those moments when people know they’re going to make me laugh before they even speak—it’s the greatest form of understanding in my opinion.
Had a short story published in Byline about the near-death resolve of a friendship I had with a boy I met on TikTok during the pandemic (x).
Decided to treat myself to a sandwich after working an entire day with an empty stomach. I picked my favorite sandwich up from down the street only to find that they added a new ingredient to it— glass. Immediately after taking a bite I heard a sharp crunching noise in both of my ears and emptied the rest of my bite in the trash and threw out the rest of my meal.
The eczema on my hands is getting really bad, but I’m oddly thankful for it. If I didn’t have skin to pick at I would’ve probably taken up vaping or thin eyebrows by now.
Have cried three times in recent days to Fiona Apple’s cover of “Why Try to Change Me Now”. It’s the perfect song to listen to a day when you have to run back inside the apartment to grab a jacket before commiserating on a walk.
Received a terrible cold. I have nothing to say about it except that I missed when I was 19 and able to come down from anything awful in 24-ish hours.
Blessed but also haunted by a clip I saw a few weeks ago of a girl being stopped in a mall and asked for her opinion on international cuisine. The video has been sent to me many times this November and each viewing allows me to look inward toward a personal place. The young woman in the video is awkward, her makeup choices are unskillful, her arm is covered in thick rubber bracelets and her socks are mismatched. Obviously, I feel very seen by this girl, I was exactly like her once and I still kinda am. In the era of scrolling, it’s rare to see someone who looks as if they are in the process of becoming. Too many of us are afraid of saying the wrong thing or trying something without watching a tutorial. The more this video gets sent to me, the more I think this girl might be the only real bitch we have left- she’s truly punk and everyone else is painfully normie. Though I don’t know if she consented to the posting of her interview, I’m very happy rewatching it a billion times and having it in my pocket forever as a reminder to value my wrong opinions.
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It’s such a burden that you can’t feel the way you want to feel all the time.
I thought I was pregnant for a couple of days. This happens maybe twice a year, but usually, once I have that thought, my period arrives, and everything resolves itself. That wasn’t the case this month. The thought lingered at the back of my mind for two weeks before I took any action. I’d get in the shower, glance down at my usual bloat, and squeeze it to see if it felt particularly babyish- then I’d obviously think about that odd ice-skating-themed abortion scene from Euphoria (x) and move on with my day. Eventually, I asked my boyfriend to go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test. I told him I wanted the Clearblue brand because I had seen them in Trisha Paytas’ vlogs in the past (x), but he came back with a test that looked almost exactly like a Covid test. I forgave him immediately when he admitted he’d never been in this situation before. Peed yellow on my Covid test. Babyless.
Yes. I saw Wicked. Exactly what I needed and I left the theater crying.
Traveled to Pennsylvania to make my bi-yearly summit to my best friend Clare’s family home for Thanksgiving. Clare lives in LA and works a pretty demanding job so our time together is usually brief, but I try my best to make it as impactful as possible. One night we stayed up till 5 am in the morning like we were 21 again. We’re different and more tired now, but there is literally nothing better then being with her even if were just sitting on the couch showing each other the same images from our identical Twitter feeds. Two highlights included: when Clare trapped me in her step-father’s car at 2 am and refused to let me out until we showed each other our ‘real’ singing voices and showing Clare a few episodes of South Park off of a menu of beginner episodes that I carefully curated for her in the middle of the month.
And as promised, something less funny and personal:
Things in my body haven’t felt right in a while. I wake up with my joints hurting, I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom, and my feet make these awful creaking noises that I never enjoy but always anticipate because it’s been a few years since I’ve had a morning without them.
I’ve been so deep in a lie that my subconscious even had a tough time concluding. Things have been off, but they have been off for most of my adult life. I am beyond cruel to myself and create strange rules that I struggle to decipher, my fluctuating financial situation only makes me want to bring the hammer down harder and force myself to be impossibly resilient in the face of survival.
A friend brought me to my first 12-step meeting this month, and I’m actively trying to come to terms with my anorexia. It’s just not feasible or kind to live my life like this anymore.
It feels upsetting adding a another thing to the list of things about me to fix, but this isn’t new.
I’m sure I’ll have more to say about all of this in a little bit, but right now I’m just focused on figuring things out.
BE NICE TO YOURSELF. BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF COULD ACTUALLY KILL YOU.
xoxo
Mackenzie <3
Hi mackenzie just wanted to share this in response to note #5, there IS a fool-proof way to get a fly outside of your house, although after writing that I realized maybe you don't want to kill the fly, so maybe this is not the solution you're looking for - but I will share it anyways: ELECTRIC FLY SWATTER. Looks like a tennis racket and it's the dopest invention ever, so much so that my dad has bought electric fly swatters as housewarming gifts for most of his neighbors and family members. myself included. I had a fly infestation once and killing them turned into a fun and really easy game. U can buy for the low on amazon (the best one has the lightning bolt symbol on it). good luck :-)
thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. 100000% relate to living in a lie for so long it’s hard to conclude that’s what’s even happening.
acknowledging it in the first place really is the first step, as you know, and being able to say it out loud to yourself and others makes it real in a way that makes it so much harder to push off as nothing.
your body deserves so much care and love and gentleness. from someone on the other side — i’m so excited for the future that awaits you and believe wholeheartedly in your ability to find the answers you need to get to the other end. in due time.
be gentle with yourself, dear internet stranger! 💟