notes from july: it's not drug trafficking if I'm the person that needs the drugs
July is my favorite month of the year. I look forward to it always. It’s always busy and stupid, everyone is oddly hopeful and nobody is engaging in deep thought. This month I let life wash over me in a good way. I feel like I was only at my apartment when I was sleeping, or coming back to change my clothes, shower, and do my hair.
I have a new freckle on my face, it’s just to the right of my mouth but too close to my lip for it to be sexy or big-titted blonde bombshell vibes. It looks more like a lost crumb or a piece of dirt that happened to stick to me as I was making my way somewhere.
Someone spilled their drink on the subway. I spent the whole ride watching the runoff create a stream that stretched from both sides of the cart. I watched a piece of dirt get swept up in it and travel upstream which made me think about salmon which made me realize I rarely think about Salmon outside of the context of eating.
I’ve realized I’ve probably been dehydrated and underfed every day for the last 8 years of my life.
New conspiracy: I think the weather apps are lying to us about how hot it is outside because if we knew how hot it actually is we would be in constant panic and the economy would collapse.
Got restricted from sending DMs on Instagram for three days after asking my story if someone in the New York area could someone Uber me a Xanax. I was immediately sent a message from Instagram accusing me of promoting “drug trafficking” which couldn’t be farther from the truth: It’s not drug trafficking if I’m the person that needs the drugs.
Thought I saw Troye Sivan twice in the Downtown Brooklyn Trader Joe’s, but no, just two twinks with knocky knees and box blonde hair. However, I did see Troye Sivan once exiting a Sweetgreen in Silverlake 2022. Originally thought he was Timothee Chalamet after a very rough night out, but as I got closer it was clear that it was Troye with his posse of Australian power gays in-step behind him.
Saw a man with an outy belly button so extreme that it looked like a chode. NOT body shaming that is just the only way to describe it.
I was scammed on Depop, but I’m not ready to share all the details because I’m embarrassed— and as a woman who has participated in and advocated for thievery in the past, it’s very obvious to me that this is karmic debt.
My friend Ivy who was wrongly accused of jumping a turnstile in June had a hearing at the New York City Transit Bureau early this month that I offered to accompany her to. She wore a red dress and fake lashes, and I took multiple photos of her on a Polaroid I purchased specifically for the occasion. We spent the morning laughing and talking about how they were probably going to give her the death penalty or go full Prometheus (x) on her ass and chain her to a rock. But, the results of her hearing were inconclusive, and she’s made to re-appear in transit court in August.
I heard two of my favorite songs back to back at a candy store in Times Square; “We Go Together” from Grease and “Dare” by Gorillaz.
Was enjoying a night in with my boyfriend until he expressed his dislike for an “awful” song I was playing. The song was First Taste by Fiona Apple.
Something absolutely toxic about me is that 4th of July is my favorite holiday. I really don’t care about the American connotations the holiday has, it’s just always been my favorite day of the year since I was a kid. I even tried to change my birthday to the 4th of July in high school to make the holiday less about America and more about myself, but when I brought the idea up to my mom over dinner she cried at the table and said that I was actively trying to “undo her history”. I spent this 4th on a roof with some of my dearest friends, watching fireworks from multiple angles, and drinking mocktails until it was time for bed.
When I say I love New York I never really mean it. It’s just something that comes out when my mouth wants to continue talking.
I’ve found a lot of tranquility this month visiting Wallace The Warthog’s page on Instagram (x), besides being a warthog he is a prince of peace. His energy reminds me of what I imagine a morning yoga session with Bella Hadid would feel like after she’s completed her 20-step supplement routine (x). He is completely ungoverned, but his owner does seem to mind surrendering to laissez-faire lifestyle choices.
I don’t know anything about Little Mix, but Jade Thirlwall’s debut single, Angel of My Dreams (x) is speaking to me like Helter Skelter spoke to Charles Manson.
I took a leap of faith with my friend Ian this month and introduced him to hot pot (x). I was nervous because I’ve taken friends to hot pot in the past with no success. Hot pot has been my favorite food since my early teens, and I’ve actually had friendships change because of unsatisfactory reactions, but, thank god, Ian loved it. The two of us have gone back multiple times this month and started texting almost exclusively about pumpkin; our fan-favorite hot pot ingredient. Pumpkin has become such a topic of conversation that it’s basically all we’ve spoken about since the first week of July. Someone stopped us at a birthday party to ask if we were playing a game where we were speaking gibberish, and we had to explain that we were actually engaging in pumpkin talk.
Inserted a tampon in the middle of the street while on my way to a work thing in Midtown. It felt deviant and wrong, but I’d rather flash a pedestrian than appear in front of my employer with a trail of blood following me.
Decided to be kind to myself after a long day and stopped by the bodega and purchased a singular fruit roll-up. I guess that I have way too much trust in The Fruit Roll-Up brand because I took a big bite without looking down at what I was eating and was immediately greeted with this horrible grainy texture. I took another bite without looking assuming that it would be better and it was just as disgusting. But upon inspection, it was apparent that the whole thing was molded through.
I’m not trying to belittle any Olympians by saying this, but watching the Olympics has always been difficult for me because I feel like if I was given a 3 to 5-day warning I could easily win silver or gold in any sport. I’m not even athletic, I just know what I’m capable of when challenged.
I would like to thank the man who thought it was normal to message me “i saw you on the bus yesterday” after seeing me on the bus earlier this month. If you don’t know me and send me a DM saying that you saw me, I would love for you to know that I’m going to spend a large part of my week thinking about how likely it was that you saw me picking my nose. I pick my nose very often. It’s something I’ve done since I was a child and I don’t really feel like stopping. I am a normal person and I should be allowed to do whatever I want in public without feeling surveilled. I used to care more about the creepiness of DM like these but after years of being on the receiving end of messages like “hi. I saw you in H-Mart today” I can only really care about my nose.
Watched a lot of fight videos on Twitter this month which helped me decompress after two months of health-related hell. I usually turn to ASMR for escapism, but right now I need something a little harder, and nothing takes me out of my situation quicker than two people going absolute apeshit on each other. (x)
Maybe this is pointless, but I have started applying my mascara differently. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal but I rarely make any attempts to switch up my makeup. I actually don’t think I’ve sat down and thought about makeup since 2016, but the other day I noticed that my eyes always look so much better when half of my mascara is on, only applying half gets me much closer to my desired look which is always a Nintendo Wii Mii (x).
Spent two weeks trying to figure out what the weird smell in my fridge was. It’s always cauliflower, but for some reason, my mind never goes there first.
I believe I’m the recipient of the most free champagne in New York City. Every weekend there is a free glass of champagne put in my hand and an occasion where it would be rude of me not to drink it.
Obsessed with talking about Panega since my friend Lily brought it up at lunch a week ago.
I force myself to forget Alyssa Edwards every eight months so I can watch Alyssa Edward’s funniest moments compilations on YouTube and feel like it’s the first time. (x)
Saw my health insurance provider’s office in person while making my way to a McDonald’s at 1 am. I made my friends take photos of me in front of it because this was equivalent to meeting an A-list celebrity for me— so much of my life is about insurance. But when I looked over the pictures in the morning they made kinda sad because my smile was too genuine, like I’ve had so many happy moments in the last year, but this was what made me the happiest visually.
Yes- I saw Longlegs. Nothing to say except that Maika Monroe’s ponytail is the main character of that film and if anyone tries to convince you otherwise they are deeply twisted.
Yes- I saw Twisters in 4DX. I don’t believe in Glen Powell’s capacity to be a heartthrob, there were many opportunities in this movie for Glen to make my pussy move but he is failing in all margins.
Spent an ungodly amount of time on Roblox after discovering it this month. I originally wrote it off for a long time as a game for children because I was unfamiliar with its expansiveness. Since playing I’ve been thinking a lot about the conclusion of the San Junipero episode of Black Mirror (x), and I feel like I would easily agree to having my consciousness uploaded to Roblox post-mortem.
I think we need to try to move away from terms like “bed rotting” and “girl math”. I feel like so much individuality is sacrificed with the usage of these terms. Yes, they are internet user signifiers but I would encourage you to try to make up your own.
My astrologer’s house flooded so she was unable to write long horoscopes for this month so if I wasn’t acting accordingly that’s why.
Wrote an essay about struggles with PMDD for my paid subscribers after getting a few messages from other sufferers after I mentioned PMDD in my last free post (x). I got a lot of clarity after completing it, and I feel lucky that I’ve been able to have conversations with a few other people about it. The post didn’t do as well I wished, so I spent an hour the other day dancing on my Instagram Live to promote it with medium success.
pmdd has a gun and it's trying to kill me
I texted my roommate two days ago to apologize to her for my distance. She told me earlier this week that she felt as if I was pulling away. The two of us have always been close, but during the events of the last two months, I’ve found it difficult to be an active participant in anyone’s life besides my own. I said my sorrys and told her not to worry because I was feeling like “my old self again”
This month’s post ends where all things do— the Downtown Brooklyn Whole Foods. I misjudged my footwear before leaving the house and had blisters on my middle toes before I was on the subway. I thought that I could brave it, but after meeting up with my boyfriend at Whole Foods it was clear that the shoes had to come off. I thought that people would stare, but honestly, if you walk with confidence you can kinda achieve any illusion.
xoxoxo!
-Mackenzie
"I watched a piece of dirt get swept up in it and travel upstream which made me think about salmon which made me realize I rarely think about Salmon outside of the context of eating."
This line made me want to quit smoking weed because it's a train of whimsical thought that the lamestream media wants you to think being high gives you but that I can only achieve in sobriety.
Boyfriends never understand or vibe with Fiona Apple and in that lies her brilliance